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C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
so... okay, it's been a while. First thing's first: The Other Boy. I've had my... seventh? eighth? no, seventh dream about him. We're in the same French class this term and it's killing me, but it's wonderful, too. Ahh my heart just goes all flutterful-like. Um... let's see... okay, so in the most recent one I was on the couch, and The Boy came and lay down on top of me, kind of off to the one side, then The Other Boy was standing near me, but he was like 60 lbs heavier than he is now, and he lay down on me as well, and I was like, "Oh, no! this isn't how I imagined it!" and then I accepted it, and I was okay with it, that he was now chubby. It really made me think, you know, when I woke up. How much do I like him for his looks? Quite a bit, I guess. I think he's extremely attractive, but I'd still like him if he were not as good-looking. Before that, the dream was we were wandering around with a group of people, and we took a detour, and went through this art gallery, and all this other stuff... anyway, at some point we were sitting together and he kept putting his hand on my knee and I was all excited about it, but I was also kind of nervous and wanting him to stop because my boyfriend was right there with us. Umm before that... let's see... okay, fat dream, knee dream, car dream, leaning on bed dream, alice dream, glass dream, kiss dream, that's all? Yeah, so I had a dream where we were in the car and I was sitting between him and The Boy and he put his arm around me and pulled me closer, and before that I had a dream where I was sitting in the middle again and I was trying not to lean on him but I did lean on him... and yeah. I've described almost all my dreams about The Other Boy in this journal.

Umm what else? Oh, my boyfriend's younger brother came out to me today! That was very exciting. I wasn't surprised, but I felt very honored. Err he also said that he wanted to puke because he'd eaten too much, and I felt like it was a hinting of ed-ness, but I didn't want to push it.

God, this is how people get stuck! I want to still be friends with The Boy, and his family, and The Other Boy. I want to be romantically involved with The Other Boy, but if that were to happen (oh, magic, please!) could I still have good relationships with the others? Ahhhhahhahh... since The Brother told me that he's gay (and furry?) I was really tempted to talk to him about my Boy Conflict, but I decided not to. It's his fucking brother! and also mine's a secret, his isn't.

anyway, I got really drunk last night and puked, but I decided to be proactively sick, you know, since I knew I'd puke anyway I just shoved my fingers down my throat when I started getting nauseous instead of waiting and waiting. It was pretty gross, though. The sight of my hand covered in gooey brown chunky vomit is enough, for now, to keep me from purging as a habit. Yuckkkk. But now I really know I am capable of it, and it's simultaneously worrying and comforting.

The Boy just got back from rehearsal, so I guess I'll end it there.

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