Wow, it's been a while... It always goes that way, though, doesn't it? Ah ah ah... What is going on now?
Well, it would seem that bodyperfect has finally withered away. Frankly I'm not too sad. People (coughmodscough) were getting really bitchy and cliquey, despite pretensions to the contrary.
What is new with me? I am at what I think of as my "standard HW" of around 250. It might actually be more like 235 right now. I can't tell, it's been pretty erratic and my scale ran out of batteries months ago. I've just been seeing the doctor a lot for this weird hives-y rash-y thing. What I mean by 'standard HW' is that it's a weight I've sort of lived at before, more than once, as opposed to my all-time HW, which was around 270-280. Frankly, right now I am wayyyyy too close to the all-time HW for comfort. It's strange, isn't it, how for so many people like us 20 lbs seems at once tremendous and insignificant? Like, we gain five pounds and it's the end of the world, but at the same time it's almost nothing. 20 lbs, what's that, a couple months of hard restriction? A few weeks if you throw in exercise and maybe some fasting? Pshaw.
But that's the kind of thinking that got me into this mess. Barely more than a year ago, I was at my all-time LW of 162.2. I hadn't eaten in days; I went to a diner with my boyfriend at the time and had a big thing of french toast. And it was all downhill from there. I remember it so vividly. Michael Jackson had just died. We spent the next few days housesitting for his mom, bingeing on liquor and fast food. I didn't stop. I kept gaining and gaining... I got up to 192 by that September. I went back, restricted for a while, got down to what, 178? In October? But since then it has been up and up. I thought "I'll just let the holidays go by, and then it'll be okay."
How stupid. I can't believe I let this happen. The first ten pounds, sure, I was disappointed. But my clothes still fit me, and it was nothing I couldn't fix in two or three weeks. And now... now I am almost back where I started. To think how thin I could be by now! Ach! I could weigh almost any goal I've ever set for myself. But I failed.
Well, fine. The only good thing is that I'm dating someone new, and he would appear to like bigger girls. If we're together long enough for him to see me lose it, I hope he doesn't mind. I don't think he will, too much. He would probably be more concerned for my health and happiness. Haha, and, he's studying psychoanalysis. That's a real kick in the rubber parts, huh?
Anyway, I don't know. I feel... motivated in a strange way... In a somewhat different way than before. I don't feel like I want to look at thinspo. In fact, I've been kind of avoiding it. I guess I'm afraid of what I might do if I feel any worse. Maybe if I were still under 200... then, maybe, because it wouldn't feel so hopeless.
It's not hopeless! I did it before! I can do it again, and do it better! Why, when I did it before I didn't know half the stuff about how to lose weight that I do now! And now I have an adderall prescription! And I'm back in school, and on school days I hardly eat if at all.
You know, I'm gonna do this. It's gonna be great. My appetite has already been fading. It is great. The hunger, the hollow pain, the little high every time I stand up. It feels so good.
I broke up with The Boy, you know, a couple months ago. Maybe even a few months ago. I don't quite recall. But later, we were talking... he said that it was hard "watching you torture yourself," when I wasn't eating, and then it sometimes seeming like I really didn't care as I binged and gained. He doesn't understand. When I'm fasting or restricting, it's not torture.
I think that's something that's really hard for a lot of people to grasp. I guess a long, long, long time ago I didn't understand either. But it feels so good to not eat. I never feel unhappy when I am on a diet. I never feel deprived or eager to go back to eating. It is just the opposite. I fear going back to eating. I feel so proud of myself for resisting cravings, for drinking water, for walking instead of taking the bus. Whatever some might consider physical discomfort in the feeling of hunger, that's the feeling of success. It feels good. It feels actually pleasurable. The feeling of food, though... it feels dirty and wrong. When I am full I feel like a worthless failure. Sometimes I even want to die. It is real torture to shovel bite after bite of junk food into my mouth and every moment I am screaming "stop! don't do this! no! stop!" in my head, and my belly gets full and begins to hurt, and I know what I am doing to myself, and I see the fat on me, and I feel parts of me jiggle that have no business jiggling, and I finish the whole thing, and I go back for seconds, all the while on the inside I am screaming and crying and I don't know why I do this.
However, there is an exception. Every so often, I can get into a mode where I think of food as nourishment. Each bite I take, I feel good to give myself energy and nutrients. But this is rare, and I have no business thinking that way so long as I have fat stores and a good stock of vitamins. That is all the energy and nutrients I need.
I need water. I have been very dehydrated lately. I have been drinking some water, but not enough. It's sunny out. It's 7 am. I have not been to sleep. I should sleep.
I really wanted to wear a bathing suit this summer. I really wanted to wear shorts. I was so looking forward to clothes. But now nothing will fit me. I'm a plus-size again, and there's nothing for me. I am very upset. It is hard to express how upset I am. I am angry at myself, at others, and very sad and very lonely.
This is it. I am going to sleep now, and when I wake up, breakfast, and then I will go to class, and then I will come home, and I won't eat, and tomorrow I'll have a very small breakfast, and I will meet with The New Boy ("The Boy" in future posts) for a film (which will be extra credit for my women in art class), and then we will go to a restaurant. He says I'm beautiful, and cute, and sexy. When he says it, I can almost believe it. I can almost believe he means it. Almost.
- (no subject)