(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
Alright, I looked up a dream interpretation site. I think the most important part of analyzing dreams is what *you* think they mean, but it doesn't hurt to have some guidance. I'm going to go down the list of things they have here and see which parts are relevant to my dream.

Vehicles, Buildings, and PeopleCollapse )

Okay, so. My dream was basically telling me that I have a strong desire to take responsibility and have good organizational/time-management skills in school, and I want to be really smart. School is a really big deal. My sense of home is changing very rapidly, and may even be unstable at this time. My eating disorder and substance abuse are negatively affecting my social life and also causing a lot of emotional conflicts.

I'm sure there's a lot more to it, but that's what I have so far. That's a lot different than just having a crush on a boy!

In other news, I just has a big ol' banana nut muffin, and I'm working on a cup of coffee with whole milk. I'm gonna call the whole shebang 1000 cals. I'm sure it's at LEAST 800, so I'm going with 1000 just to be safe. Fucking muffins!

Last night I asked my boyfriend to 'give pets' (rub my back, stroke my hair, etc.) while I went to bed, even though I was going to sleep several hours earlier than he was. And he did, for quite a while, until he thought I was asleep. And then he so carefully and quietly got out of bed and shut the door... it was sweet! Aww...

And this morning I did not feel awful. Sometimes I get up before The Boy goes to bed, but this time I didn't and I liked lying down near him. I did not feel as disconnected. I almost told him how I'd been feeling, but I still prefer not to.

I guess I'll do my final for Critical Thinking now. It's take-home, yay!

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
Um, well, so, I had another dream about The Other Boy. I don't remember if it was in this or glass_umbrella, or anywhere, that I mentioned the last two. The one before he was not exactly playing hard-to-get, more like the place we were in kept changing so everytime we came close there was no way to get through. And the first one was, we were just lying down, platonically (supposedly, you know, like when you like someone and they like you too and you're just trying to be near them), and he rolled onto his side and leaned down over me and kissed me! In the sweetest way.

And this one?

The Dream, part One (technically, two)Collapse )

The Dream, part Two (technically One)Collapse )

The Despair and DepersonalizationCollapse )

;ALFN;O3AVI4NV;OFNKA;VKERV;AWEOVNF;BWEJKDVNBLVN FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Also, I'm out of cigarettes. I'm going to drink some coffee.

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
So, I think I've found a fabulous solution to the munchies! Hard candy, folks, hard candy. Sure, it's got calories aplenty (until I get some sugar-free), but it's not like a bunch of pizza or a big ol' thing of ice cream.

Why is the internet being so fucky! Everything is taking FOREVER. Boo.

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
Under 500, pah! More like sticking right at 292.5. I'm giving up non-breakfast. Breakfast being the first meal of the day, by my personal definition. So, one meal at 300 or less (and NO it cannot be two meals that add up to 300), and one snack... uh, let's say under 90, rather than 150. And 200 cals worth of beverages ie alcohol.

Oh, no. I did go up. I had a giant sugar-free red bull, which was 25 cals. Which sounds like not a lot, but you know what? 4 x 25 = 100. Which sounds like a lot or a little, depending on where you're at. Where I'm at lately is where it sounds like A LOT.

that's okay, though. Did much better with the water--I bought one of those big 1.5 liter smartwaters. I keep refilling them until I lose them... actually, one started growing mold a while ago. ew.

anyway, okay! gonna do some exercise before bed.

How many posts do I end by saying it's time for a cigarette?

Imma have a smokaretti.

(stick that in your pipe and smoke it)

(oh, right...)

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
okay, so, today... I think I got up around 11:30 at had breakfast at noon. I had an egg sandwich, which is:

english muffin- 110
1/4 cup cheese- 82.5
1 egg- 80
spray oil- 20? I'm guessing it was more than 1/3 second spray.
1 tsp Cholula- 0

TOTAL: 292.5

Then I took my vitamins and ritalin. I've been doubling up on everything except the multi, because it has iron and I'm afraid of taking too much iron.

Last night I had tomato soup and chips for dinner. The soup was 225 and the chips 320... well, I had justified the chips because I was only going to have the 90-cal single serving of soup, but then I finished the can. Also I was stoned and not doing the math right, coz I totally don't remember thinking it would be 320 cals.

So... let's see... for breakfast I'd had oatmeal, which was 260. And later that day I had a red bull for 10 cals, so I guess yesterday's total was 815. Okay. That's under the daily limit, but I still went way over the snack limit of 150 cals per snack.

Still trying to up the water intake and activity levels. I didn't exercise at all yesterday, bad bad.

I would like to end the day at or under 500 cals.And why not? Just remember all those times 2000 calories was the amount I'd eat in a week rather than a day. How quickly my belt tightened... yes... ah

Thus far
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
So... I got up around 2 and had two packets of instant oatmeal for a total of 260 cals. It's going to be 7:30 pretty soon, so I'm doing good. I haven't been tempted to eat, although my stomach has felt empty. That's actually encouraging. I had a diet dr. pepper. I haven't had any water yet today... again...

I also haven't been very active so far today. I put an apple in the fridge this morning (well, you know...) to have for dinner. I took my vitamins and one ritalin. I may have a sugar-free red bull in a little bit, or I might take more ritalin. I haven't decided. I'm almost out of smokes. I've been listening to metal most of the day. It's crept into my listening habits slowly but steadily. It seems, from the tags on last.fm, that I like black metal (Norwegian in particular, but I suspect Norway just has a lot of black metal bands). There have also been a few cases of 'melodic black metal'. That's fine. I like thrash, too. Aha, I am trying to familiarize myself with some viking metal, but it doesn't come up too often on the 'radio' I set up. Anyway, the viking stuff is mostly just coz I figure if I'm going to listen to metal I may as well get to know some of the stuff The Boy's Friend likes.

I had a dream about him last night, where he liked me back, but kept being just out of reach or just out of earshot. Like, we could see one another, but once one of us tried to get closer somehow the space would change and it was impossible. Still, I felt so happy and giddy that Dream Friend liked me. Ahh... huh...

Okay, okay, okay. So. The upside to having gained weight is that it makes me burn more calories. So at least the first ten or twenty pounds will be really super easy. Just drop off! After that, pretty easy for another ten, and after that, still not hard at all.

Yep. I'm just so impatient! Like, I wish there we some kind of like way to have like a concentrated fast, you know, like maybe I would just be the hungriest I've ever been in my life for a couple days and then it would be over with. Well, I could exercise more... euhh... I guess I just don't want it as badly as I think I do. I dunno. At least I'm doing some exercise. Push-ups just KILL me. I would be really proud to do ten regular-style push-ups. I can't even do one regular-style. Girly-style ten is really the max for me at this point. Ridiculous! But I think I will add on some wall push-ups, where I just lean on a wall so it's easier. Then I will do more of them and be able to build up some muscle without so much strain.

My thing is, if it's burning or I'm starting to shake, just do one more. And if I can do that one more, hey, just do one more after that. Okay, only one more. Now if you can do the next one that'll be the last. Well, you did that, now do only one more... You know, like that.

It's about time for a smoke. I'm studying all my notes for the term in PS coz my final's on Friday... I haven't been writing out clean copies at all, so everything's a real mess. That's okay, though, because the best way for me to remember stuff is to write it out. I love notes...It's just that I have like this fuzz on the periphery of my mind and I can't fully concentrate on ANYTHING no matter how much I'm really interested in it.Phht, whatever.

PS: what a fucking title for a song, geeze!

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
Let's see, let's see... So, back on glass_umbrella, I put up my list of twenty principles of not being a beast. And I think that, along with counting up the day's calories, I should review which things I did and didn't do. So:

Tomato soup: 180
2 potato chips: 20
2/3 French dip sandwich:400
5 strawberries: 30
club soda with juice: 50

TOTAL: 680

Good job.

Now, what could I have done better?

1. Water. I am supposed to drink half a gallon (which is only two quarts/8 cups). I drank 3 diet dr. peppers and that club soda with juice. That's really not good. But, I still have time to make it up... So, I will drink at least 4 cups before bed.
2. Being cold. This is alright. I've been a little cold for the last couple hours. This rule is more for after a longer period of restricting and fasting, when my body just doesn't have the energy to keep warm.
3. Took my vitamins!
4. Took my ritalin!
5. I got stoned, with the plan of using the diet soda if I got the munchies. Well, I didn't get them, and I was sipping a soda all evening. So that worked out.
6. I don't think that 5 strawberries counts as a serving, and I wouldn't call tomato soup a vegetable, either. Also, the sandwich is far from low fat or low carb. But, I did have some fruits/vegetables, which is good.
7. Dinner was 130 calories over the limit, but my snack of chips was well within the 150 cal maximum.
8. I totally ate what everybody else was eating -- fail.
9. I was not active at all today.
10. I was a little busy today, taking detailed notes from my textbook and messing around on livejournal. Enough to keep me from snacking to pass the time. I also did some sketching, which is good. I should really work on doing that more often.
11. Eh, a little. I chose to have tomato soup, and to make it with water, for breakfast. I chose not to finish my sandwich, and I chose to eat some strawberries. So, yes, in some ways I did do it.
12. I used regular dishes and I held my sandwich in my hands. Fail.
13. Yep, diet soda and diluted juice. Good job!
14. Okay, I haven't taken a shower today, but this is a lot like the being cold thing in that I don't expect this to happen for at least a few more days.
15. I definitely did not eat more than 1500 calories. I also chose to wait for The Boy's mom to come over, since she either makes or takes us out to dinner on Mondays, instead of grabbing a snack. Good job.
16. Hmm... I wasn't exactly ladylike with my sandwich, but at least I didn't finish it. The juice dripped on my chin a little and I felt like a barbarian, but I figured they would forgive me if they saw it.
17. I used no hot sauce today. I should have put it on my sandwich.
18. I suggested that we watch Anthony Bourdain while we ate. I dunno, I guess for me watching something about food just keeps me more mindful of the fact that I'm eating than many other types of shows would.
19. Done.
20. Yes, the answer is "Not to eat." Overall, this is the choice I made.

So, to recap, things I need to improve: water, activity, vegetables, calories-per-meal restrictions, dish size, utensil use, hot sauce, and NOT eating (at all).

Things I did well: making safer choices, having a plan for munchies, drinking appropriate beverages, taking vitamins and ritalin, controlling consumption in progress, mealtime television, NOT eating (very much).

Alright! That's what about that!

Huhh-mm-mm, I'm almost out of smokes. Yeah, I started smoking again. Phht, so? I barely go out anymore... But when I'm again living somewhere I have need to go out and walk, I will probably quit again, considering both the rainy weather and my need for oxygen.

I'm going to be a good student now.

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
aw, gee whiz.

So, somebody posted on bodyperfect about how it can get mean when people seem to be asking for 'tipz.' I agreed, you know...

The thing is, there are certain people who ALWAYS attack any kind of call for being more sensitive. Well, they also attack real idiots and cunts. I'm really of two minds. I've got a couple of those people in my friends (at least on my old journal, atm), and I usually agree with them. They're pretty funny, anyway.

But I'm having a little bit of a problem with how they have started really ganging up. Obviously I'm not going to say it in the comm, since I don't want that to happen to me--well, I'll mention it if it gets too ridiculous/I find another community this active and otherwise kickass--but I just get the impression that they're like the snobby kind of 'cool kids.' Which I can be, too; jus' sayin'.

Seriously, though, if you're going to tell people to let shit go, you need to let it go too. Besides, I don't think that a person talking about a problem they have in a community is something mods have to take as a personal call to action, which means it's not a case where the poster in question needs to be told that if they don't like it they can leave. Obviously if we don't like it we can leave.

Look, I just think people should be able to express their opinion. It's like, if you ('cool kids') agree with it, you praise them, but if not, you attack them, and it's totally stupid because there's no way to know what you're going to agree with or not. It's getting hard to tell if you have a legitimate bone to pick or are just in a bad mood.

Well, actually... if you should be able to express your opinion then they can express theirs... Ugh, but if you do then you're still in the wrong! Quit being stuck-up! I want to like you, but you're making it hard.

I don't want to be afraid of posting certain things because certain people might not like it. Goddddd...

So far, today
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
Alright, so... I got up at 11:30 am, which is SUPER early for me. I almost never get up before 2:30, and often sleep 'til 4 or 5. Actually... come to think of it, I hardly ever get up in the 4:00 hour. It'll be 3 something or 5 something, but not 4. Huh.

Anyway, I'm glad. With so little daylight tis time of year, I've got to get as much as I can. Although I'm not out and about as much as I used to be -- oh, that reminds me, I haven't taken my vitamins.

I take a multivitamin that has 100% of most stuff I need, plus calcium with D, D with calcium (sometimes I just take two calciums because they both have the same amount of D but the latter has only 12% DV calcium), and B complex (sometimes two because it seems like a good idea). Then I also take at least one ritalin with them.

I fixed myself tomato soup and some cheddar lay's for breakfast, but I haven't eaten the chips. I think the soup was 170. It says 90 cals per serving on the can, and I made no effort to get the soup that stuck to the can out. So I took off ten for the soup that didn't go in. I made it with water; the last few times I made it with whole milk, which is delicious, but actually I kind of think that it is less bland when it's with water. I counted out 15 chips, one serving, but then I did the math and realized that 170 + 160 = 330, which is 30 too many calories. So I took out two chips. But they are still sitting here. I just forgot about them when I got on the computer, and I've been on ever since, adding people and comms from my old journal.

I weighed myself. I was just repeating over and over "please don't be 200, please don't be 200."

And it wasn't!

It was 199.4

I got lucky today, I'm sure. Maybe it's because somehow the universe (or whatever) knows that I would totally flip if I actually saw the number.

Well, fuck. I'm freaking out in my head. You know, on October 19th I was 179.8. So that means I have gained 20 lbs since then. WTF?

Does anybody else do this? ANYBODY?

Okay, fine. Fine! Fuck this.

(no subject)
C-C-C-Jell-oooo
fleshballoon
So, here is my new journal. I thought glass_umbrella was wayyy too old. Also I really liked this for a name. So here!

Just a note, please remember me bodyperfect! My old journal has a note about the switch, too.

?

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